Holly: "Do you think she's talented, deeply and importantly talented?"
Paul: "No. Amusingly and superficially talented, yes. But deeply and importantly, no."
Breakfast at Tiffany's
I got a check in the mail today. Not a big one, but it had my name on it and when I saw it among the stack of bills and various junk, I smiled.
Which got me thinking. (Because I can't ever just be happy. I need to analyze being happy.)
The check and the smile got me thinking because, you see, just yesterday I was feeling pretty hopeless and unworthy and blah. I had had a disappointing phone call earlier in the day, a roadblock in a Plan. This roadblock, like others, didn't lead to any alternate routes. It was a clear and obvious dead end. I've hit a few dead ends at crash speed recently so, needless to say, I was feeling pretty crappy about myself.
Then a check appeared in the mail, (which is weird in itself because yesterday as I cried myself a river I wished for something, anything, good to happen for god's sake. And then the check came. Is it a sign? Are you there God? It's me, Margarita drinker. Is this it? Is the dismally small check the good thing I wished for? Because, honestly, if it is, I was kind of hoping for something a little bigger and better. Hello? Is this thing ON?)...so, right, a check appeared in the mail and suddenly I had a bounce in my usual sluggish step. A check with a pretty dollar sign and an endorse here line basically signifies that someone out there thinks your work is worthy. So worthy that they are willing to pay you for it. It doesn't matter if you think you're work is garbage, someone else thinks otherwise.
Why does that make me so happy? Why do I need someone else - a stranger! a signature on a check! - to validate my self worth? Shouldn't I be okay with living my life and doing what makes me happy and to hell with what everyone else thinks? Art for arts sake, blah blah blah...
Nope. Not me. Turns out, I need cold hard cash to feel deeply and importantly talented - even if I can recite every line from Breakfast at Tiffany's. Now that's talent, baby.