Holly: "Do you think she's talented, deeply and importantly talented?"
Paul: "No. Amusingly and superficially talented, yes. But deeply and importantly, no."
Breakfast at Tiffany's
I got a check in the mail today. Not a big one, but it had my name on it and when I saw it among the stack of bills and various junk, I smiled.
Which got me thinking. (Because I can't ever just be happy. I need to analyze being happy.)
The check and the smile got me thinking because, you see, just yesterday I was feeling pretty hopeless and unworthy and blah. I had had a disappointing phone call earlier in the day, a roadblock in a Plan. This roadblock, like others, didn't lead to any alternate routes. It was a clear and obvious dead end. I've hit a few dead ends at crash speed recently so, needless to say, I was feeling pretty crappy about myself.
Then a check appeared in the mail, (which is weird in itself because yesterday as I cried myself a river I wished for something, anything, good to happen for god's sake. And then the check came. Is it a sign? Are you there God? It's me, Margarita drinker. Is this it? Is the dismally small check the good thing I wished for? Because, honestly, if it is, I was kind of hoping for something a little bigger and better. Hello? Is this thing ON?)...so, right, a check appeared in the mail and suddenly I had a bounce in my usual sluggish step. A check with a pretty dollar sign and an endorse here line basically signifies that someone out there thinks your work is worthy. So worthy that they are willing to pay you for it. It doesn't matter if you think you're work is garbage, someone else thinks otherwise.
Why does that make me so happy? Why do I need someone else - a stranger! a signature on a check! - to validate my self worth? Shouldn't I be okay with living my life and doing what makes me happy and to hell with what everyone else thinks? Art for arts sake, blah blah blah...
Nope. Not me. Turns out, I need cold hard cash to feel deeply and importantly talented - even if I can recite every line from Breakfast at Tiffany's. Now that's talent, baby.
18 comments:
I admire you for being so discriminating. I get excited by hits and followers. . . I settle for attention!
"to validate my self worth?"
I understand this way too well. Too much of what we do is not available for an easy evaluation - like a paycheck. If you figure out how to solve this, let me know.
I've always had a paycheck--even though for many years it was very small--so I get what you feel.
I'm sorry that you've been hitting roadblocks. I completely understand - believe me. After too many rejections to remember, it can be soooo frustrating and demoralizing. Which is why I *know* I'm not in this for the money - or I would've quit long ago.
Art for arts sake without getting paid can definitely get old, but I think that if I stopped writing my head would explode. So there's that.
BUT - Good on ya for getting that validation of a check. That's nothing to sneeze at. And something we all need, every one in a while. That, and a good Margerita. ;-)
xoxoxo
Congratulations on the check! And it does help to have some outside validation now and then to confirm your own sense of your own fabulousness. So there you have it! Good luck and hope that no road blocks present themselves for a while (you need them once in a while to stretch your muscles pushing them out of the way).
Oh ya . Cash is hard to come by today.
But it does feel good when you have it. :)
It's a capitalist society, so of course it's natural to value your worth by money. I get it. I totally get it.
I feel you, even though I've managed to hang on to my job, I have a major ongoing expense to the tune of about $800 a month that won't stop. (Broken horse) Good luck.
That's awesome. Go you! Maybe you'll get a bigger check next time.
At least you're getting paid! It's a lovely when money, fame/approval arrives (it's the little things that make life fun :). Funny post!
I have to analyze being happy. Wow. You sound like me.
Are you there God? It's me, Margarita drinker.
Love it.
Congrats on the check - I get the validation thing - although I bet the amount doesn't come near your worth.
I remember how I was so pumped with my minuscule review project with Blogher 2years ago-the money wasn't much but the feeling was great.
"I can't ever just be happy. I need to analyze being happy". Oh. My. God. Don't look in the mirror, because if you do, you might see my face. You are my soul twin.
"I can't ever just be happy. I need to analyze being happy". Oh. My. God. Don't look in the mirror, because if you do, you might see my face. You are my soul twin.
I ask myself the same question more often than not. Why do I need someone else's pat on the back to feel good. Truth is...
We all need that pat on the back.
So i understand your feelings.
I recently made a cake for a friend's wedding. It was my first time being paid for that--and it totally validated me. Sometimes I want to believe the words people say to me about my cakes, but the fact that someone was willing to pay me for a cake proved it! So, I understand.
I was smiling reading this because it sounds so much like me...can't just be happy, have to analyze...
congrats on your check ;)
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